Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
