i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
