I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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