She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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