Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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