I just threw up on my dentist
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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