oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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