my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
