Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
NoShamevember. You game?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
