ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
