I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
