Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
