Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
