were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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