just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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