don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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