so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
A+ Viking dick
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
