do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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