i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
