I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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