I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
