I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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