the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
