I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
