While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
