Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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