I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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