so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
