i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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