i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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