I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
