So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
