hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
