i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
