I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
