It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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