I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
