I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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