Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
