You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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