My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
