He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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