You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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