so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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