worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
