after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
