i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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