TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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