no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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