'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
