Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
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