Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
